Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Day Everything Changed

Yesterday morning, I was planning on updating this blog. I hadn't yet because of some confusion over my due date. Was I 5 weeks? or 6 weeks? Hard to update when you're not sure.

Yesterday morning, I was still going to update. I went for my final HcG, so excited to be moving past the beta and on to U/S. My U/S was going to be the 22nd. Only a week away. It was exciting. I'd finally know if we had one baby in there.... or maybe two.

Instead. I got these words in an email:

"Biochemical pregnany." "...discontinue meds..." "We're so sorry."

The emailed made my heart sink, but I didn't cry until the phone call. The nurse at the clinic called  me and told me to "expect a bleed". That was hard to hear. I was sad for the baby/ies who didn't make it. Sad for the parents who finally got a BFP, and then now we're miscarrying.

I don't care what people say, a chemical is a miscarriage. I was pregnant, and soon, I won't be.

I was conflicted yesterday, some of my fellow surros told me not to stop meds, to demand an U/S. What if... what if... what if....

It was the hardest thing I've done in a while, leaving my pills this morning, sitting at home. No syringes in my bag, a few pads stuffed in there instead, just in case "it" starts.

At first, I blamed myself. Did I miss a shot and somehow never realize it? Was I an hour late one day? What did I do?

My husband told me it wasn't my fault. But I feel like it must've been. The Emryologist said the embryos looked great at transfer, what happened? Why would my levels slow down. I went from 165 to 272 in 2 days. They said that was fine. My progesterone and estrogen had always been good. nine days later, after the 272, it was only 529. What happened in those 9 days?

The parents seem to be handling it ok. The mom called me last night. She said we'll just try again. I apologized  She said it wasn't my fault. I still feel like it is.....

Thursday, October 4, 2012

4 Weeks!!

I started this blog on Monday, but never got around to posting it, on Sunday, September 30th, I was officially 4 weeks pregnant. Here's the scoop

The Bump

The Baby

The Info

Weight Pre Transfer: 182
Weight Now: 181
Weight Difference: -1

Symptoms: None to specific. If I had to say anything, my sense of smell is starting to heighten as well as I'm starting to be all.... phlem-y in the mornings, like I was with Cody. Not sure why that is a symptom for me, but it seems like it is. I am bloating, but I was even before the transfer thanks to Progesterone :S

What's happening inside: At 4 weeks, the ball of cells it once was is now splitting into the embryo and the placenta. I'm not sure exactly what stage I'm in... since they were already embryos when they were transferred....hmm....Anyways-- the baby's neural tube is already formed, The amniotic sac as well as the fluid in it are forming, and will provide protective cushion until birth.

Beta Day

Today was Beta. I know my IPs were hoping for a high number, as it COULD indicate twins.

It came back at 127 for 18dpo/13dp5dt

In Beta laws. I am now officially pregnant. :)

I was a little bummed at the low number, especially after a jerk of lab tech kept telling me it was "awfully low".

I refuse to be bummed now. I'm just glad I'm definitely pregnant with at least one baby for these amazing people.

Briefly, I worried I was going to miscarry, but then I heard several great stories of people with even lower betas that produced healthy babies.

Plus, I looked at my most recent pregnancy tests.......

Check out the line on the last one (taken this morning).

This baby isn't going anywhere :)