Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Day Everything Changed

Yesterday morning, I was planning on updating this blog. I hadn't yet because of some confusion over my due date. Was I 5 weeks? or 6 weeks? Hard to update when you're not sure.

Yesterday morning, I was still going to update. I went for my final HcG, so excited to be moving past the beta and on to U/S. My U/S was going to be the 22nd. Only a week away. It was exciting. I'd finally know if we had one baby in there.... or maybe two.

Instead. I got these words in an email:

"Biochemical pregnany." "...discontinue meds..." "We're so sorry."

The emailed made my heart sink, but I didn't cry until the phone call. The nurse at the clinic called  me and told me to "expect a bleed". That was hard to hear. I was sad for the baby/ies who didn't make it. Sad for the parents who finally got a BFP, and then now we're miscarrying.

I don't care what people say, a chemical is a miscarriage. I was pregnant, and soon, I won't be.

I was conflicted yesterday, some of my fellow surros told me not to stop meds, to demand an U/S. What if... what if... what if....

It was the hardest thing I've done in a while, leaving my pills this morning, sitting at home. No syringes in my bag, a few pads stuffed in there instead, just in case "it" starts.

At first, I blamed myself. Did I miss a shot and somehow never realize it? Was I an hour late one day? What did I do?

My husband told me it wasn't my fault. But I feel like it must've been. The Emryologist said the embryos looked great at transfer, what happened? Why would my levels slow down. I went from 165 to 272 in 2 days. They said that was fine. My progesterone and estrogen had always been good. nine days later, after the 272, it was only 529. What happened in those 9 days?

The parents seem to be handling it ok. The mom called me last night. She said we'll just try again. I apologized  She said it wasn't my fault. I still feel like it is.....

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