Thursday, July 3, 2014

12 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Surrogate

  1. "How much do you get paid?" or similarly "What are you going to spend it on?"     
    • When is it ever proper in a social situation to ask any about their money? Do you ask people in your day to day life how much money they make at their job? Do you ask them what fat loot they get from it? Doubtful.
    • I can't tell you how many complete strangers, upon finding out I'm a surrogate have asked this. Seriously. People in stores... managers where I've worked... co-workers that I've known less than day...

  2. "So your husband/significant other is okay with you having sex with another man?!"
    •  The sadder part is that they 100% believe this how it works. I'm not sure whether to be angry at them or sad because they are so uninformed. Even when I started the process I knew the basics, I realized women (Intended Mothers) weren't going to be lining up their men outside my bedroom door.
    • It's called IVF people, or even in the case of traditional surrogacy, the surros are inseminated.

  3. In the case of a fellow surro who was carrying for two men. "OMG, I hope you don't get aids."
    • what. the. hell. This one is wrong on so many different levels. Let's put aside the medical facts and that tons of surros carry for HIV+ couples, SAFELY, and go with the "you are a stereotyping witch who needs to jump off a cliff." Well... they are men.... and married... and TOGETHER.. so clearly they have HIV...
  4. "How could you give away your baby?"
    • Sadly this one is pretty much par for the course for any surro. We spend the entire nine months explaining how it all works and how it's NOT our child. Still-- it gets annoying.
  5. (with twins) "Do you get to keep one?" OR "Do you just give the other one to another family?"
    • First-- basically that makes the parents choose which baby they want. "Whelp, you only paid for one baby.. so I guess I'll keep your son/daughter. Either or! You choose!
    • Second-- "I have this friend... and she really wants a baby so since you have a spare.. I'll just give her that one.. mkay"

  6.  Any version of "I couldn't do that." "More power to you" OR my personal favorite "I just love the babies I grow automatically."
    • Well... not many women can. I'm not better than you for doing it, and I'm not worse than you either. This one is probably not INTENTIONALLY rude/annoying, but very few people can phrase it well enough to not irritate the heck out of us.
    •  "...babies I grow automatically." Because I don't. Clearly. Since you "can't" do it, I'm guessing you've never TRIED to grow someone Else's human before. It's a whole different game. There is no expectation of bringing it home and raising it. You get pregnant and you send someone ELSE a 'congrats on the baby' card.

  7.  "Your IPs must feel broken." or "I bet they worry the baby will love you more."
    • My IPs don't feel broken. They feel hopeful. They want a baby. They are for some reason, unable to have one "the normal way" and have found me instead. My IPs aren't broken. They need help. Everyone needs help at some point along their life. Even if they do-- who says that!?
    • If this was the case... no adoption would be successful... like... ever. I'm pretty sure the twins (at almost one) have no idea/memory/ or missing "piece" that tells them I existed. They held them first, loved them first and took care of them. They won't be traumatized or missing key components of their life if they never ever see me again.

  8.  "I hope you explained to your child that the baby isn't coming home."
    • Surrogacy is a HUGE step, 95% of surrogates have children of their own. Do you think we MAY have considered that our children might notice and what we would tell them? It's offensive, really, that you assume we're just going to let them worry or feel lost about it.
    • I have to say-- my son was not quite two when the twins were born, so we didn't talk MUCH about it. I just always referred to the babies as belonging to the parents and then I went to the hospital.. came back and I had a lap to sit on again. He never questioned it. This time I might explain more to him. Very basically tell them that we're growing/watching someone Else's baby.

  9.  "Damn, I should be a surro... you guys make a ton of money!"
    • That is definitely the top reason to grow someone's child and help make a family. Very top reason. ALLLL the monnnneeeeeeeeeyyyyyy. -.-

  10. "They have a name for women who sell their bodies..."
    • I REALLY wish I could say I hadn't heard this one first hand. I did. Straight to my face from a person in a superior position. True Story. Nothing like telling someone they are a wh*** to brighten their day. :)

  11.  Any "Jokes"-- "Womb for Rent"/"Makes you feel good/special"/etc.
    • No matter how much smile you put behind it, that never sounds good. No matter how many times I heard a joke about renting out my womb or similar... I can never find the hilarity.
    • I feel special in the sense that I got to help a family. I'm not looking for recognition, a tv show, or praise from anyone. Honestly... it's a little awkward when people tell you how amazing/wonderful/angelic you are. I'm not. I'm a person. I can carry babies, make them grow, and I want to help. That is all.

  12. Last but not least--- the inevitable "after baby" question "Are you REALLY Ok?"
    • I'm going to guess and say that 40% of the people that asked me this, actually meant it. I think the other ones kind of wanted me to confess how depressed I was so they could say "Well.. I told you so. You can't carry a baby and not want to keep it." I realize this sounds harsh, but I've heard basically every surro I know say the same thing. Know that if I was NOT okay, I'd let you know.

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